At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
