when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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