I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
