I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
