Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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