the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
