I accidentally had phone sex last night
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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