he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
