It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize