my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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