I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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