Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
