You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Randomize