its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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