I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
