the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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