apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
