Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
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