don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
