Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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