1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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