we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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