a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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