He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
it's great music for shaving your balls
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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