Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
