So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
