Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
