good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize