and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
