I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Randomize
