The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
