My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
