I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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