I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Randomize
