I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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