i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
