You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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