My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
