That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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