I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
