I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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