When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
