I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
