apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
