we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
