You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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