My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
