I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
