Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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