I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
