I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
