Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
