I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
