Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
