What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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