ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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