my phone needs a breathalizer
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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