I haven't been this sober since birth.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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