Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
