Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
