I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
