thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
