then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She is in my trunk
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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