Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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